How’s It Going Now?

 

Gray – I have not written much in quite a while I know, Maybe I just haven’t published much in a while, I am still writing but do not want to be transparent about my deepest feelings and struggles with the realities every day brings. I do not want to discourage anyone, especially Myra. The realities of life can be incredibly painful on many levels.

Myra has had a increase in pain recently, trouble swallowing, pressure in her head (her term), and more headaches. She also has odd distensions in her stomach, tumors no doubt.

No one is giving up or giving in, I am just letting you know what is going on. You should know by now I am a realist when it comes life situations and try to communicate as honestly as possible. I wish I had some good news to share. I wish I understood more. 

On another note let me talk a while about Hannah’s wedding. Myra looked great! Hannah looked great! I had my family together for a festive event. It couldn’t have gone any better. Myra had on a beautiful champagne colored dress and a black purse containing her medication pump. Jake so gently walked her in to sit in her wheelchair on the front row. I brought in Hannah and gave her away to Nate. Jake sang an Avett Brothers song “You Swept Me Away” as he played his guitar, you should have heard him. The whole event was full of lasting memory moments but the best for me was dancing with the bride. We spoke softly of the secret things that exist only between a father and his daughter and spent the last few moments embracing each other and trying not to break down emotionally.

During the day as I kept passing Hannah she would ask “are you OK?” I kept telling her yes. I think she knows I am choking on a lot of life these days… but I don’t think she has a clue.

All the best to Hannah and Nate Fox.

I am just rambling now. This is not about me or my emotions, this is about life. life can be difficult at times and I wanted to let you know why I haven’t published much as of late. I thank the many who have encouraged me in my writing and I plan to write a book about this experience at some point. I also want to thank the many who have provided food, encouragement, time and prayers. Never give up.

A Lot Of Life Happening

 

Gray -  An interesting place I find myself here on the eve of my daughter’s wedding. A place where a lot of life is happening, a lot of life’s incredible moments and emotions are intersecting. Check that; A lot of life’s mixed emotions. I mean how else is the father of the bride to feel. I remember when I was twenty five years old and Hannah was maybe two minutes old, she was laying on a little table under a heat lamp while the medical staff worked on Myra and her c-section. Hannah lay there squirming, covered in blood and body fluids, trying out her new found voice. She was beautiful. Nothing more can be said, just beautiful. She grasp my finger with tiny little fingers as I touched her hand. In my heart I made commitments that day, tomorrow I will have fulfilled many of them as I give her to a man of her choosing who will be responsible for her well being. She will take his name. A new life chapter will start for Hannah, for Nate, for Myra and I. A lot of life…A lot of emotions. Nate is a lucky man, Hannah is a lucky woman. I think they have the right stuff. I hope they have lots of struggles and joys so they learn to lean on each other and celebrate the good days. Life’s tough, I will pray for them daily. I am proud of them both.

Funny how marriage looks different as the father of the bride than when I was the groom. A lot more mixed emotions. 

I am proud of Myra too. Last fall through tears Myra said to me she did not want to be a flower at Hannah’s wedding. In less than 16 hours her resolve will be realized as fact. She may have some pain and will keep one eye shut but she will be in attendance. A lot of life…A lot of emotions.

I don’t think I am ready, but time and life wait for no one. I will celebrate with Hannah and Nate. I will look at my wife as the miracle she is. I will enjoy life to the full tomorrow, I will weather the emotions.

Thanks for coming along on this journey.

More Random Thoughts From A Man On The Edge

 

Gray – I have a story for you.

My friend Mark lives in Nebraska. I worked with him in Charlotte several years ago. While here in North Carolina he bought a timeshare for vacation property at Hilton Head, South Carolina. His mother Opal had never seen the ocean in her 70+ years so he had her come down to see and experience the Atlantic Ocean for the first time in her life.

I used this story once while teaching a Sunday School class about the love of God asking how do you explain to someone who has never seen the ocean what it is like to experience it? Even if you could effectively communicate the idea of standing barefoot in sand hearing and seeing the waves, feeling the breeze, hearing and seeing the birds could you communicate in a way that it could be understood or would it need to be experienced to fully understand? I think I made my point by further stating ideas about wading in the surf and the animals that lived in the surf zone. It cannot be effectively communicated. Neither can the love of God, it must be experienced. I am in this moment trying to explain I cannot effectively communicate the uncomfortable place I find myself these days. I want to give a few more random thoughts from where I am though, so here goes.

I had no idea the emotional and physical toll this experience would require. I still don’t fully understand, it will take time.

There is a lot of life happening right now with Myra’s pain increasing and needing more attention and my Hannah getting married this coming Friday. 

I struggle with the loss of control of my life. I feel at times I have completely lost it. I realized the other night after waking up to get Myra to the restroom, then getting back up an hour later to let the dog out so she would not wake up Myra. The dog has more control of its life than I have of mine at times. I said I cannot stop my mind, this is the kind of thing that goes through it in the night while waiting for the dog to come back in.

In the midst of struggles I have found beauty in the ashes. I saw my aunt Cass the other week and she hugged me. I did not want to let go. It was safe. I felt as if in her mind she was holding the little boy who lived next door to her in her late teens, I didn’t care. It was safe.

Addendum to my earlier post about being a caregiver: Find safe places that don’t require or tax your emotions. They could be the thing that keeps you from going over the edge. Be real, don’t get hardened by life. That would be tragic.

I went this past Saturday with my good friend Bruce and shot trap (clay pigeons) for a couple hours. It was great. We trash talked one another’s shooting ability, took our time and had a ball. The bruise on my shoulder is my new favorite pain. The only problem with getting away from life for a while is going back sometimes…

Point of clarification. In an earlier post I said I am not a fan of man hugs. I hug men on occasion, just not a big fan. I enjoy hugs from women. Don’t get the two confused.

I am taking Myra to get blood and platelets tomorrow, her blood work is off and her body cannot keep up with demand. Thank you to whoever provided the resources, I expect she will be feeling well at her daughters wedding.

I hate cancer and disease.

Busy Week

I want to catch you up; hopefully Gray will get a chance to bring more in for later but for now this is our week.  I was beginning to feel a little more run down and tired so I went in for bloodwork which revealed I need blood and platelets. So I will be at the hospital most of the day tomorrow filling up on ‘good stuff’ that should help give me a little extra energy for the wedding.

Wedding?  Yes.  Hannah has moved her wedding to this Friday during her spring break.  We  are all very excited and busy.  Pray that God’s presence will surround them and minister to them as they make this important decision.

Hopefully we’ll have pictures out soon. 

I love you all so much!   Pray for my strength physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

“I will lift up mine eyes to the hills from which cometh my help.  My help cometh from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

The Beauty of Suffering

 

Gray – That title must be a typo or he meant something else. What beauty could possibly come from suffering? What suffering is beautiful? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

I have many more questions than answers these days.

What it is about pain and suffering that seems to get our attention more than anything else? I think the fact that we all can relate to pain on some level is what causes the thought of suffering to “hit home” along with the fact we can do little to prevent it. We watch the news and feel compassion for people we will never know, who were in an accident, weather catastrophe or war zone. Many completely innocent bystanders just going through life. 

What is it about disease that effects us deeply? Why are you still reading about our current journey? I haven’t written much in weeks but you keep checking to see if I have. Is it about Myra and cancer or is it more?

Pain and suffering can cause us to be aware of our mortality. Our temporal status as “living”. Just human. Taken to an extreme you could view us humans as victims, but that is incorrect.

As members of the human race we have been wonderfully and fearfully made by God who crowned His creation with dust full of the “breathe of Life”. Eternal beings. Pain and suffering causes us to realize we are not alone. We were created by God. Put in a temporary setting called life and reminded from time to time we hurt. We all bleed.

I have stopped trying to make sense of Myra’s suffering. I have begun to realize the Creator may be using this place in time and my reporting to cause you to draw nearer to Him. When we hurt we call out to Him. I cannot tell you how many people have told me they are praying for us. Guess what – they are praying. I have said it before, Myra gave herself fully to her call. Wherever that call would lead. Even here where she sits with her head down most the day and keeps her eyes closed so the double vision doesn’t cause her a headache. Yep.

The Bible speaks about God accomplishing His purposes in Isaiah 55:10 and 11. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
and do not return to it without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, ¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth: 
It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire 
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

I think He does the same with His plans for us. He uses us to accomplish His purpose, even when we don’t understand. Motivated by love alone He will use us to accomplish His purpose, to draw another closer to Him. To get the attention of the lost, to draw those close closer, to reveal Himself to us. I have you thinking now don’t I? Let’s go deeper.

The basic tenet of the Christian faith is Christ died for our sins. Died. The perfect sacrifice once for all time. The question then is why is pain, suffering, being despised and affliction needed to provide for our peace and ultimate healing? Read Isaiah 53 and feel the pain. 

He was despised and rejected by mankind,
   a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
   he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.                   

⁴ Surely he took up our pain
   and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
   stricken by him, and afflicted.
⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him, 
   and by his wounds we are healed.

Can you relate? It’s a beautiful thought isn’t it?

Home Life

 

Gray – We have settled into home life these days. It is funny how quickly and drastically life changes and at times we have no control over it. We humans adapt well though. We were well adjusted to living in the hospital and the regimen it brings. I do miss the 2nd GI crew though and hope to expand on the impact they had on Myra and I soon. 

Now at home the regimen is different. Myra can tend for herself in many ways and had made it clear she needs time for herself which she has. We have replaced the couch in the living room with a hospital bed. She seldom ventures from the first floor that has a bathroom and kitchen. She enjoys the television and music provided by her i-pod dock. She enjoys the quite too. Reads her Bible and spends time with God. Only they share and fully understand the genuine beauty of these precious moments between worlds these days provide.

I have replaced Bridget, Cindy, Cecily, Misty, Caroline, Kari and the others taking care of her and administering the needed medications. I place the syringe in the vial and extract the prescribed amount of steroid twice a day and flush her PICC (not really sure what that stands for) line just like Cindy taught me with a saline solution before and after the medication to keep it clear. I give her the needed med’s and steroid every morning and night to keep her stomach settled, headaches at bay and feeling well. She has a pain pump continuously providing pain relief with a pushbutton attached for additional relief if and when needed.

These are good days. It’s good to be home. I just wish cancer was not here. We did not invite it in. It is not a welcome guest.      

Ready For The Day

 

Gray – I know I not written much lately but I am struggling with the reality of these days. They are good days. Myra is able to get around, she eats well but the underlying problem is still there. I want to believe she is healed I want to hope she is healed but my faith is waning to the practical. Sorry but that is the truth. I am to the point now I want to see it before I believe it this time. I guess I am a doubting Thomason. God is not bothered by my honesty. He knows already. What I will write today is how we have been readied for this day. By we I mean me and you. Whatever this day brings.

I love the story of David and Goliath. If it has been a while since you visited it read 1 Samuel 17. In verse 34 we are getting down to David having a discussion with the king. 

³⁴ But David said to Saul, “Your servant has been keeping his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, ³⁵ I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. ³⁶ Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. ³⁷ The LORD who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.”

Be careful you don’t blow by the first four words of verse 35 as if this is some fairy tale. “I went after it”. Going after it speaks of integrity in action, not cutting your losses, not having an oh well attitude about your responsibilities. It is why David is one of my heroes and possibly yours. Not because he had a lucky shot that hit the giant in the forehead as you will read later in this chapter. David went after bears and lions. With no one around. No cell phone. No 911 service. He went after it. All alone… except for God; who was honing a champion. Creating a man, no, instilling confidence in a man who willing to “go after it” would not hesitate when he saw a barrier much less a “Philistine champion” that caused his family and countrymen even his leader to shudder. I wish the text provided detail as to how David killed the lion(s) or his encounters with bears. David got used to fighting his stronger more powerful outmatched foes without the benefit of armor and sword (another story for another day).

Bears, lions, disease, life, death, struggles. What are they to the person confident in the One who works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose?.

I am no writer but I have been prepared to write this so you the reader can be encouraged and build confidence. Preparation takes place when no one is looking. That was true for David, and that is true for you.

Myra and I struggled in our marriage years ago, we were separated for months, through those struggles and introspective searching we both decided if our struggles could help someone else  we would share our experience. From that discussion years ago is where my openness and honesty comes from when you read this blog. Myra and I did not know we were just killing bears and lions we had no idea we would have to face a philistine champion.

This is just another chapter in His story to better prepare you.

What is your philistine champion? Someday you will know.

Later in the story of David when all the talking is over, in verse 48 it says “David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him” (the philistine champion)… Think about it…I wish in these days I shared David’s confidence and enthusiasm completely. I hope you do.

quick update

Thank you for your prayers. I am at home and enjoying it very much. I am hooked up to a pain pump and a nurse comes by once a week to check it. I receive medicine in it every morning and night; Gray takes care of that.

I know our teachers never thought we would say this but I miss reading and writing. Pray those skills will return. My eyes are getting better and full healing is coming.  pray for cancer to be gone, vision clear, and all numbness removed. 

Nothing is bigger than Jesus.

My daughter has decided to move her wedding up so pray for all the details.  I am so excited for her and we love Nate.

A Note to Caretakers (We Are All Potentials)

 

Gray – I have said before and it is true, this has been the most incredible journey of my my life. So far. I wanted to give a note to caretakers of those who suffer with a disease in hopes you will be better prepared along with a glimpse into what to expect.

First understand it is not anyone’s fault or choosing that someone you care for has disease. It is OK to ask why…just don’t expect an answer.

I left the house headed for work the other day and came back for a forgotten item, then 10 minutes later had to go back again for my cell phone… get used to it.

Realize in many ways you are the only safe place for your loved one to vent. They have no control, they get frustrated, they are confined to a finite space. Can you imagine? Allow them to vent. Be that safe place as best you can.

Remember you are in a fight too. You have areas you have no control of. I can’t stop my mind anymore. It runs non-stop. You have to find places where you can breathe. You have to ask for help. It’s OK.

We humans are so silly, we see someone hurting or affected by disease or loss and we genuinely want to help, in some way but we don’t know how to say it or what is allowed so we express it as best we know how. In the form of a statement, it is almost always the same – If there is anything I can do, just let me know…know there is help. do not carry your burden alone.

I have learned a great admiration for those who do not ask, they just show up and meet a need. Thank you. (there is a important life lesson in this behavior)

Ask questions. Ask about the medication, the reason for the action, what is the risk, what is the potential benefit, etc. All healthcare professionals do not necessarily have your best interest in mind. Take time to ask and write it down. I cannot tell you how many times Myra and I have heard the same thing in the same room from the same individual but we both heard something different. I have a journal of the times we have had important appointments where I wrote down what the person was saying.

Be patient. I am not but you should be.

Find an outlet. Lots of people try to genuinely help by getting in or trying to get in your space. Find a safe place in a small number of people and go there. Remember you are fragile, don’t trust your inner feelings and thoughts to everyone. That would be a recipe for disaster.

Make time to be available to your loved one when they want someone to lean on. Your “it.”

Leave nothing unsaid between loved ones.

Find a way to live, even in the presence of hope crushing news.

Do not let the disease kill you too. This can happen on several levels if you allow it. Don’t.

Don’t be hard on yourself. You will make mistakes. You will drive and wonder where you are going, make wrong turns, sub-consciously or otherwise make wrong turns driving from point A to point B.

I love the Bible passage in Psalms 103:14 where the Lord remembers how we are formed, He remembers we are dust. Nothing special until He breathed the breathe of life into us. Allow Him to keep doing that.

I think His remembrance of us being just dust is why at least in my mind He has a smile on His face each time He picks us up and dusts us off…again and again.

Learn to count on that…I have. 

Life Unexpected

 

Gray – Through the journey I have had enough of hospitals, insurance questions, medical bills, people (long story), cancer and drug education, stress, concerns, doubts, etc. and seeing a loved one suffer to last me a lifetime. I am sure I will not emerge from this experience the same. I am hoping for better but that will not be the case in some areas of my life. Myra and I have been forced to reorder our lives and dance with a partner not of our choosing. I keep telling myself it is not our fault, its not my fault, we never planned to be here, never wanted to be here and I have the deepest sorrow and respect for anyone who comes this way.

Myra and I both were perfectly happy living life working on careers and enjoying being empty nesters. Then life unexpected happened. I will never forget I was in a staff meeting when Susan, our Admin Assistant opened the door pointed at me and indicated for me to step out – now! Myra was in my office. I saw the look on her face and shut the door. She broke down crying with the memory of her mothers death of a cancer a couple years earlier. We talked. We cried. We decided to face every day as best we could no matter what happens. The next day I went with Myra to an appointment where she had a full body scan done. Nothing has been the same since. Life unexpected happens… to us all.

It happened to the Samaritan woman recorded in John 4 who when just going through her day had an encounter that changed her life. I love this story, Jesus the Christ positioned Himself where he would be right in the path of a person who needed Him. Wow. She had spent a lifetime making bad choices, you know just like you and me. She was a real person. He is a true redeemer of our lives…and choices. She was never the same. He hasn’t changed.

Life unexpected happened to Myra who while in the hospital had a stranger who through this blog got to know her and brought her a freshly baked loaf of bread so that Myra could have communion. Thank you Jane.

Life unexpected happened to me the other day at work. I had on my “work hat” and focus when a sweet lady I had not seen in months stopped me while on my way to retrieve something from my office and hugged me. She said she was so sorry. I got caught off guard. I told her I didn’t know she even knew she said “I know”. She ministered to me. It took me a couple of minutes to compose myself.

Some tough guy. Hmmm, I told you I will not be the same.

Another life unexpected moment came from a friend when after reading in a previous blog I had recently called a funeral home and while waiting to speak to a Funeral Director had hung up the phone told me they would make that call. Can you believe that? I can’t.

I got to witness another life unexpected moment when on our last day in the hospital Myra received a card from the staff on 2nd GI. She was moved deeply and took Cindy’s, Bridget’s and Keirsten’s hands and prayed blessings over them and their families. 

This has been some journey, the most incredible one of my life so far. I find the Christ keeps positioning Himself where He is right in our path. Yours and mine.

I will never be the same…

He hasn’t changed.